-: The Last PTM:-

-: The Last PTM:-

I lost my control and as if it was a reflex and habit for me… I slapped the teacher…I slapped her hard…! The sound of it made me realize what I had done and the future implications of the same…I shouldn’t have done that… I said “sorry” I joined my hands and touched her feet and I left…

It was the sound of slap that brought me out of the trans … I was shivering, cold feet, and did not know what to do next…. teacher in front of me was now surrounded by team members and they were trying to figure out what happened… for them they had just heard the “shot” before they walked inside….and amidst the chaos I left fuming… people around me were too stunned and were not even in a position to move, may be they wanted to catch/ capture me and hand me over to police… but could not take any actions nor could they decide what to do next.

I went up to my vehicle and drove endlessly…. I was lost, disillusioned by life – the society-school, teacher and the way they were treating parents… parents like me… SO what if we were not so educated like others, like other parents of school… so what if we were not highly qualified…and well placed in society… but we too are an integral part of the society.. It’s all kinds that make the world and we are not?? “Dangerous people” my mind was brewing with thoughts and head was about to explode…. I just parked my vehicle in the parking lot and rested my head on the steering wheel… this is what I remember of that day….Is this how a school should treat a parent who drives Ambulances, or to say specifically carries “dead” to crematorium?

How I reached home is still not known to me, but when I reached home… a crowd welcomed me… there were Press reporters and Police… I was arrested for slapping a teacher and I knew the headlines in the news paper next morning…

· Do we deserve this for building the future leaders of the society?

· Is this what the society has to offer to the noblest profession on this earth?

· What has this society come to??
Policing needed in the school PTM?

· Now a parent assaults a teacher!! As if students playing truant was not enough

My neighbor’s were shocked and so were my co workers… my boss was there at the police station and he was the one who helped me most in getting the bail… ….

Everybody asked me the same question… again and again…with increasing disbelief “Did you really hit the teacher….” and “I cannot believe that you hit the teacher….”

I tried to recall what had happened prior to my actions on that day…

I was called for a parent teacher meeting. My child was not doing so well in studies; he went to a private school. This was his fourth year in this school. When we shifted in this area, he was enrolled to school in grade 2 that particular year. I had briefed the Principal, Teachers and Support Staff about the trauma that my child had been through… and I also shared that “our’s was a single parent home”. I had lost my spouse in a fire mishap that had gutted so many homes in our locality and may be our’s was the only house where there was minimum of loss, only one life…. While all others had a story to tell rather, horror nightmare to share …I had gone out with my child for a movie, may be that saved us both. My wife was not interested in the movie and preferred to stay at home to treat us later with a surprise meal. When we reached home what we saw was just ashes. Fire/ flames still haunt my child. My child remained dazed for months missing his mother; “trauma” is what his case paper said. I too was disturbed and together, we were trying to build our home again…in a new locality; Away from the Past. All this was told/ informed to school and school promised to support us, to rebuilds our lives.

On that day, when a tanker with petrol collided with an electrical pole near our locality, people could barely escape the uncontrollable fire caused by spilled petrol spreading everywhere…almost 80 people were roasted alive that day… My child felt guilty, guilty that he agreed to the fact that two of us would go for the movie, he wished/ longed to be with his mother…he was barely 8 years old then … I too suffered the guilt feeling…….But all that is past

I worked with “emergency dept” as driver who carried people from accident sites to hospitals and emergency wards, or the dead, dead bodies to crematorium. I was on emergency call….as Always…I wonder why and how these many accidents take place everyday. With these many safety norms and rules, why people still manage to be in these situations…. Also how these accidents and mishap change the lives of people involved. I see dead, nearly dead, crippled or sufferings everyday.

My child most of the time was alone, he now was lonely and was into a shell which was becoming like back of a turtle…appeared strong from outside but soft from inside. He knew my job was differently demanding … most of the times… I reached home to leave again… one never knows when will an accident take place and one never knows if that person will make it to the hospital or not…

During each funeral processions, the road seems never ending, though its the same, same lanes, same busy traffic…most of the times as we wait at the corner of the lane for the dead body to be brought to the vehicle…we hear the “cause of death” and it’s the metallic thin wall that separates the driver and the cabin, us from the emotive family…But do we really drive the vehicle, without emotions? Specially when people with us are so charged up with emotions, the journey through these eyes and in ambulances are very different on otherwise busy roads… Does one ever think of all these things? Maybe grieving is very personal…

That day, when I reached school, I was late by 20 min. I was on duty, the funeral procession was delayed… the person dead, was a very young man who was not even married, was the only son… and mother did not want to part with the son… it was heart breaking……. to see the poor father trying to keep his wife away from the dead body…who himself was not aware as to what should he be doing, being with spouse who needed him most or… we were mute witness to these episodes almost everyday. I could not tell anyone that “please hurry up” – I need to be there in school for my child…

I reached school 20 min late, the conversation started on a negative note… no one asked me the reason for my being late, this teacher showed in all possible ways, that she was unhappy as the meeting was delayed and now it would overlap with another appointment and the list of “issues” with my child were endless… I was meeting this teacher for the first time, she had joined the school recently…the way she looked at me, I understood that she was trying to be as polite as possible, she was uncomfortable talking to a person who was not even dressed like other parents, who looked, uneducated and was rather too simple,,, the security guards in school appeared smart partially because of the uniform that was given to them.. I was not haggard but style, I could not even afford…. may be she did not even know my profession… I felt, had she known that… she would not even talk to me…

She started in an authoritarian voice, taking charge of the situation; very confident… she ensured that my apology for being late was not even heard. Before I could complete… “I am sorry for being late…” She just said, “Don’t waste my time in these formalities” I have to complete this today and the list is too long…

“I am aware that your son was given admission to this school on humanitarian grounds, your son gets concession in fees, while others in his class pay much more than what is paid by him… mind you this is not scholarship…” …the way she said this… lowered my self esteem. I was thinking of my child now… what he must be going through in class everyday... She continued with same tone/ speed… was this empathetic? Was this said as concern or mere fact? She continued; about how my child has ‘…. still not come up to the mark in his class, and how he is the only one lagging behind in the class….how because of him the class average was going down and may be school results would get affected…’ She said, ‘...it was a school meant for performers…’.the monologue still continued now on my child’s behaviour ‘…How he stares blankly at the teachers… who are unaware whether he understood the concept or is lost…’

I was not much worried, till last year there were not many issue, in fact all teachers, if they had to say something for him was, “loner- with poor- average academics” His class teacher was a gentleman and spoke affectionately. I doubt if he too knew me/ my profession, but he was like this to almost everyone; re-assuring to everyone about their own wards.

This teacher and her observations were different, I wanted to ask what were teachers doing to help him, wasn’t this precisely is the job of the teacher, to help student to learn, work on his weaknesses and … but I could not open my mouth, her confidence rather non empathetic stance overpowered… she continued... “..He sits in the class like a statue, lifeless… she said… but that’s no excuse to “just sit”…. She was getting angry now… I wonder why he comes to school. I doubt if she had detailed history of my child. She was talking about “now and then” situation. Everything was right in its own perception yet was not true, mere factual; it did not gel with the larger picture. I was listening quietly… almost lost in my own world, not aware of what to do, say and help my child.

She started asking me questions like, ‘… do you teach him, do you spend time with him, do you take him out, do you…’…it was more of accusation than that of question, also it was more of monologue… wherein my answers were not needed … I gathered courage and said , almost ordering her to stop…

She was taken aback; she sat uncomfortably in her chair and said

“Ok…” what is it that you want to say…

I wanted to start from the beginning, how my child came to this school, what kind of trauma was he going through, how I was able to spend more time with him…I wanted to talk about the van that I drive- Ambulance , as driver, how we drive carefully yet filled with hopes from the site of accident sites, how on reaching hospitals, doctors and professionals take care, deal with the grave situations before, “ No Hopes”- “dead” or …for every critical case… irrespective of cause of accident, mistakes, mishaps… we never drive slowly or do our best if a driver who was speeding and meets with accident… we are no one to decide, we do our best in any given situation…

.My child, certainly was not so critical, he met with an accident long back, trauma of that event was shadowing him… but he needed time, more time to recover, may be he was different than other kids of his age…or what I go through when other in the lanes of the city drive for fun, joy, when I carry dead to crematorium… or when a marriage processions stops, for van to go further… gives way…to life….all these were in my mind but all I could say was

“Please try and understand him… may be he is weak but ….”

Before I completed my sentence she took charge of the conversation, again “you know your child cannot perform, he cannot be in this school, class, and he must change the school… he is bad influence on others… we do not want others to get affected by him…. he does not understand, what we teach…” she was again on her monologue trip…

My child was not so bad, I knew about his academic weaknesses, but behaviorally he was kind, gentle and emotional with friends; though he had fewer; they loved him. In no way he was bad influence on any one…. I felt strongly to protect my child… I asked her again, what made her say “he was a bad influence”….

She could not just take this… she felt challenged, she was at loss of words, she took a pause… waited for some time and said… firmly… arrogantly

“Ok, I will explain… it’s like every one is running, you are in a race, race in your class, and he is slow, slow as dead , he is like dead body … you have to be with him…wait for him to reach a point, while others are already there…. its not possible to hand hold all the time…it’s like, one has to be with the dead body… to take care …till disposed…you feel sorry…”

I could not hear further…rather I did not allow her to complete, may be she wanted to say something different, may she would come to a different point and may be she was genuinely trying to help me and my child….but the disgust and the way in which she started talking about my child and comparing him with dead…my reflexes were sharp and rest is known to you all….

My Story…

It was my first visit to Boston, though I had been in this country for many years now, my relationship with this man was to bring in some spring in my otherwise dry life. I had made him the most important man of my life… I came as illegal migrant to this country from Argentina, and do not ask me how we reached Argentina… from…Ok let me not get into that past…

I was looking through the window and as the never ending taxing of the plane ended I was the first one to get up, he looked at me questioningly, as if I was not aware of the rules of flying … but our relationship was at that level of strange category… wherein he could frame the questions… but not ask them… In all relationships how I wish, this stage stayed for a longer time.

He was taking me to his home for the first time, he was single and his mother was one who was pressurizing him for a wedding, unheard in this country. We knew each other for some years now. Initially it was an one sided love affair from my end. He wanted me to meet his mother; she was to approve of me, for my past was so glorious!! Was I nervous meeting his mother… was I in a hurry to finish this visit? Why was my behaviour so strange…?

He was the third man in my life; I had met him first, on the first day of my job in his office and on the third day after I returned from my honeymoon, with the second man in my life. From the first two I have children. Rather I was not even aware of any thing that was happening to me when I first delivered, I was barely 13, my mother was single and a widow and we stayed in Afro-American area meant for poor… I was shifted to juvenile home and after that I lost touch with my mother. She was not a bad mother, she was worried about me, my life, her life, and our never-seem-to-be-ending poverty… my father was brought to this country and was promised safe arrival in USA by his agent. Little did anyone know that Argentina was not USA and life was to take sharper turns before we land up in this dreamland. After his death, how we reached USA was a mystery to me… rather is still a mystery. When I look at my USA passport … I wonder how my mother managed all that… and that Afro-American locality…

I was not aware of what happens in physical relationships, even the boy with whom … “I slept” … this is how it was referred after that for a long time … I was not even aware… it just happened one afternoon. We were part of a project,” Cleaning Neighborhood”. I was with him, we started talking about our school and life and as I still had some more time after the project, we went to his house … and last I remember is… we slept together… next month he was to move to a different state as his mother, who too was single like my mother and had a job in a hospital. I came to know about my child in 10^th week of my pregnancy, my mother was shocked, abortion was not the option, and I did not remember anything about that boy except for his name. Also it took some time for me to really understand what was happening to me, my mother explained that “sleeping together makes a baby”. When I next slept with a man, things had changed….

I am told that my mother died, I am not very sure whether she actually died or was dead because of the stigma, I started studying and may be because I was brilliant… reached college. I completed my graduation and did my Masters with Law. He, the second man in my life, too was studying with me, may be my story/ past made him melt for me… and though I was initially afraid of this relationship, eventually I got into it. I married him.

It was after our honeymoon when I started working with a firm, I met the third man of my life…. he was “Prince Charming” … how could no one ever fall in love with him. But apparently no one had ever fallen in love with him; he was a hunk, stud, names that one can think of… I tried to dig his past… was told that “he is mama’s boy”! Exploring this man made me fall in love…. I was suffocating in the relationship that I got into...

For hours I could stare at him, ogle at him, appreciate his long fingers and pink nails, broad shoulders and biceps… his lean yet athlete like body…I started thinking of “sleeping’ with him…but was afraid of saying anything, verbalize my thoughts… I was ashamed of myself… how I could think of another man in my life, within a week after my marriage- honeymoon….. My husband was handsome man too! My friends envied me for finding such a hunk as husband … but they had not seen my boss….

For some days when I did not get much for or against my boss, I started thinking that he was “gay” and checked with other employees inconspicuously about his “orientation”. I was reprieved with the fact that my doubts were baseless.

I was so much engrossed in him… that I started talking about him to my husband…. I described him as a “man” he should know. Eventually both became very good friends and it was in the fourth year of our friendship, I blurted out “I like him’ during a lunch meeting with a client. I had one more child by now.

He was shocked yet the expression in his eyes said that he was “Pleased” I noted….

I decided to divorce my husband… for the first love of my life, my husband and he; both were shell shocked. He still wasn’t aware that it was for him that I have decided to divorce my husband. My husband wanted to know the reason…. and I had none what so ever… he was caring, loving loved my first child too, his family was so supportive… in fact they suggested if we could go for some Counselling. He checked with me if our married life was Happy!! I could not tell him that I fantasize about my boss/ his friend during our intimate moments nor did I want to share my love for his friend. I just remained silent.

My husband never doubted me … but our divorce strained my relationship with my boss too… though he was never close to me, the distance grew… he was more concerned for his friend.

He started looking at me “differently” after my ex- husband had remarried. This was “worth the wait”. I met my ex- husband occasionally as he was father of my second child, there was no bitterness in my divorce, but somewhere it was hurting… to both. After his marriage meetings became distant. My boss, now the third man in my life, my first love, changed. I had heard from the “love” of my life for the first time… I felt like a teenager…I wanted to tell the world that I was in love… my first child was half my age now and I kept my feeling under my wings… I wanted ‘him” to say something- to initiate the talk, lead the life for me…and the path was painfully slow .Or was there more pressure on him from his mother… He confessed once to me… that he liked my company and this changed my life….

He once, started talking about his house in Norfolk, town that touched the Atlantic Ocean. He was talking about his past for the first time to me….how from his house he “saw” the light house… the beautiful light house in otherwise grey and cold winters… and how he imagined a “light house” in his life… which he saw in me on the day I joined … but was disappointed to note that, I was newly married! His friendship with my husband was mainly to stay in touch with me/ us. He never wanted to harm us, and our relationship... Our divorce was disturbing but, satisfying event for him and now he was able to share his views about him with me…

After we came out of the aircraft, I was more nervous, I found him serious and pre-occupied. As if this visit was a strain on him. His house was exactly the way he had described. His mother was not at home when we reached; I was admiring the light house with him. He, watching me… I knew that… and I watching the beautiful light house…

The door opened quietly, I knew she had come…. I waited for a while, for him to introduce me… her gaze was piercing. It shook me. If felt guilty for no reasons… I had never seen such powerful gaze; I tried to be normal and continued talking to her about weather and her house….

He was also uncomfortable; dinner got over quietly. I could not believe that she was the one who was forcing him to getting married. May be he had shared my past with her and she was uncomfortable with this. May be she was reluctant that her son gets married to a person who has daughter half her age….or divorced a husband for no reason…

As if she was reading my mind…she asked me about my daughter…she wanted to know more about her, if she ever asked me about her father, about my marriage and subsequent divorce and reason… I was getting tense as the question continued …she wanted to know more about who raised my daughter in her initial years, was my mother instrumental in he upbringing… how close was she to my ex-husband, and if she calls him as “dad” and how they meet now… I answered all questions with utmost honesty… I never wanted to lie to her. In fact I never lied to anyone ever, to my mother when she asked me “with whom I slept” or to my daughter … when she first asked me about her father…

She asked me where I stayed as kid, whether I remembered the boy and his mother. I found questions strange. I had seen that boy, only once. We worked together for that project, on that day, may be the only reason I choose to be with that boy was he looked decent, and was not Black! I had no clue whatsoever how and where he was… I repeated “ I slept”… before I could complete … she said...if I could refer that as an accident…. you are not to be blamed for what happened with you at that tender age….

No one had ever talked with me about this issue in this manner not even my mother… or the counselor at the juvenile home, for most girls “ sleeping” was common… it took them my childhood to understand that I was innocent… but by then my childhood had a curse… I was a laughing stock in classroom, size of my belly was talked every where… I did not know whom to go and talk about my feeling, my counselor wanted me to “talk to my child” and I felt “no one hear me”

I was talking about those years of my life for the first time… after may be I lost my mother… I could talk to her… she was later, but convinced that I was innocent… I kind of relived those years.

He had never asked me about my past, I was rather blunt when someone asked about my children; I would blurt the truth without mincing words… My ex husband, when we were studying together in college, felt sorry for me… sympathized with me and he fell in love with me, made me his life partner… for me it was not love for sure. I wonder why I had committed marriage to him.

When I met him, in his office after I came from my honeymoon, I was transfixed, I was in love…. I longed for him and it took me so many years to take the decision, and wait for him to approach me… what made me wait? Why was he still unmarried? Why was he waiting for permission from his mother… bothered me but never asked… now that I was with his mother and she asked these questions…? I re-lived those years, agony that I went through … and felt humiliated. Tears rolled my eyes…

Is this the “price” one has to pay for being honest? I felt my decision to divorce my ex- husband for this man was wrong… he or his family never “questioned” me… rather they supported me, accepted me unconditionally… here this lady was not only questioning me but also was trying to trace years that I spent after words. She wanted to know all about my life, my pain, all that was buried long back… I was a different human being, had forgotten the scar that it left on me… I felt victimized…felt why would one want to know all this and hurt…

I left the table and went straight to my room. The conversation stopped. There was pin drop silence and the mother son duo also left for their respective rooms.

Next morning we were to leave… I wanted to be alone; I hated the man I loved… I hated to be in this situation… I craved to be with my ex husband … his family… “How could Love be so hurting”… there were many attempts of conversation from mother and son…But I was silent, did not speak to anyone, I was hurt…I was crying… bleeding… I, myself was responsible for this… in earlier situations I was not responsible at least! … this feeling made me sicker and tears started rolling again… I was meek- wek… my strength and struggle of previous years had gone for a toss… the question that bothered me was… “What made me do this to self…

We left …I was all alone… now… he did not exist in my life as co –passenger also.

I came home, my daughter looked at me… my expression said everything… her hug said… what words could never have communicated… she was darling… may be she was the only partner of the struggle that I went through and my soul mate… … May be we were more of friends than mother and daughter… she kept comforting me and I kept pouring my heart out… I was yelling screaming… sobbing, we cried together for hours… and slept in each others arms.

We got up late next morning; I did not want to go to that office ever again… I was drafting my resignation… my daughter came and gave me an envelope. I opened that it was a very short letter dated yesterday; I started reading it mechanically…

“Dear Daughter”,

I am glad that we found you…. it was crucial for me to ask those questions, to ensure that our wait, was worth. It wasn’t like our attempts to search you… we were unable to locate you and your mother… Yes, My son was not aware of his actions…he too innocently told me about, how you had spent that afternoon… it was an accident. When his friend from the same locality wrote … about “the girl with the belly” and how they left the place… we realized…. and tried to search for you and your mother… he promised me to search “his Love- guilt” and only then marry… or not marry ever.

It was after your divorce he told me about you, he does not know the reasons of your divorce, nor he wanted to disturb your married life, he in fact respected your husband for accepting you… he watched his daughter from distance and did not want to harm your , his daughter, your relationship with your family….

It was only after your divorce and your communication to him about “your love” towards him… we decided the meeting. I am glad that we found each other…

Rest of the words melted, there were many more lines…. but they got washed away in tears… my daughter, too was reading with me…the door bell was ringing and so was phone… may be a bad dream was over…we hugged each other… unable to decide the direction to follow...

What are words....

Welcome to the world of Black and Whites.... Let it "Add" colours to your life....It's in these black and white words we look for colours of life, meanings, relationships and in these relationships make us look at society- world around us. We start visualizing these characters , be it in black or in white, be it in our thoughts or in our actions, we start looking for them... believing in them and look at the world around us with these shades.

Everyone knows there nothing black and nothing white... we live by thoughts in our minds... yet we create shades of grey and weave colours of life!!

Our minds, these words have amazing powers of creating a rainbow around us....

Divorce

-: Divorce:-

When he came as Branch Manger in this town, everyone instantly liked him, pleasant personality, clean shaven and well mannered. He spoke fluent English and had a body language that typically showed arrogance. But his behaviour was contradicting his body language, always polite… gentle and that smile. Though he was in his late fifties, I am sure people believed him to be in his forties.

The day he joined, he made a speech, while taking charge from his colleague, and our ex- boss. The gist of the speech was, “I am no nonsense type person and together as team would show our strengths rather than factions that we usually get into of class- I to IV, leadership positions, or administration and so on… I believe in talking straight, I do not need mediators to talk to the person and I would love the same if one wants to talk to me, approach me directly.”

Each member of the group who attended this meeting perceived what he said; based on their past experiences and the class they were serving in, peon of the office felt… “He will not last” while customer relation dept people were happy to have a face which looked glossy!! Class three union people decided to be tough with him as they felt that he was a management dummy and had a special task, to clean the system. Likewise there were some neutral too…they wanted to experience him and were not in a hurry to rate him.

I had no choice; I was his personal secretary and could not be on either side… though I belonged to a class and union! By the end of the next day, he lost his cool when a union representative met him and tried to tell him how they, their union only worked efficiently and how he could rely on them, he also offered help in locating a house for him and invited him for Dinner that night. I was listening till this point very intently, such conversations are very entertaining and if documented may become the best of laughter shows.

He received a call from zonal office during this conversation and they needed some data, he passed the phone to me for the same and, that is how I lost the link in the conversation…. last I heard was him saying “thank-you, you may leave” a bit rudely almost closer to insult. There were three versions of this meeting. one that actually happened , one that boss stated and one that union leader spread by word of mouth… the last one was juicy and was entertainment for all for couple of days. He was sick of it by the second day… and said to me… “Chor hai Saab… kaam to karma nahi hai… or chale aate hai… he would have continued further but, may be he realized I too was from a union and this version would create unrest… he stopped.


By the end of the first month, people found him, rude, arrogant and impossible to deal with; somehow, I was saved from skirmishes and the only reason I could think of for this safety was my English, may be I understood what he wanted to say and in many cases I even became his translator. My colleagues found this also strange that we actually had not many issues. He stayed in guest house for a month, and now was looking for a house in this city. Initially he wanted a two bedroom place, but suddenly from last week, he asked me to help him locate a three bedroom flat.

He often would talk about his son and wife, how brilliant was his son and how he topped this exam and got that scholarship and how his wife how is an “expert” is busy and is in demand…and finds it difficult to cope with all I his absence. Staff was actually finding this part very difficult; they felt he was bragging about achievements of his son, wife and some actually tried to find from our office in that city if all that he claimed was true!

Most things about him were true! Including the feeling that our office had for him… with addition of one more thing, that he never wants people to visit his home, His professional and personal lives are different. This information relived most and they soon started framing strategies to deal with his “idiosyncrasies”. Now our office was at war with him and it was fun to watch the issues that were being raised… He was always correct about policies, the way he worked, people could hardly avoid work. Typically he would call someone… appreciate his work and efforts he put in office , check the pending work with him, and give him a new assignment, if there was excuse or pending work he would give them a deadline and offer his personal help. In one case he actually sat at the table of dispatch clerk and helped him post the pending parcels. The dispatch clerk never refused work that was allotted him after this and his desk never had pending work. Most people just offer verbal help, He always did all that he could do help the person. Despite growing disputes, and hush-hush tones talking about conspiracy against him, Branch in the first quarter did very well.

With me, he always talked during dictations that he gave , or while discussing reports; between intermittent meetings and phone calls…I too had found him selfish… egoist and person who never listened, he never asked me about my family, children, parents… he always talked about his son and wife mostly about his mother/father.

Once there was a silly typing error from my side, I accept it was my mistake and I should have been careful, his reaction while pointing the mistake was “you are also one amongst many- so what if I talk to you in friendly manner… it still does not give you any right to commit mistakes… he went on and on… I was naturally hurt. I just left the cabin and sat quietly … How could he be so rude? Once he called me for a dictation, I was busy with something, and took longer to reach his cabin, I opened the door, may be without waiting for his permission… he was facing wall, back at the door and was speaking to someone over phone... conversation seemed intense. When he noticed me, instead of asking me to sit… he yelled “get out- I expect you to seek permission before you enter my cabin”… I am sure the person at he other end too heard this. I was hurt. I was disturbed with his reaction and decided to keep distance in my interaction with him.

A fortnight after this episode it happened so that we had to travel together for the official meeting and though I was not entitled for a higher class he booked me with him, we stayed in the same hotel shared the same room… I found this behaviour strange; honestly after that last episode with him I had changed. With me, he was same and may be he was even unaware of what was in my mind… he was my boss not my friend that I could tell him that I was upset with his behaviour. Five days together were totally different, I saw him from close angles , his habits and his ways… he was like that with his boss too… in a meeting he reacted in the same manner with his boss… who very politely reminded him about a training session they had attended together in past… he was quiet. I learnt a technique of dealing with him.

Evenings on last two days were relatively free and he did lot of shopping, I was amazed with all the purchases that he made for his wife and son. He was buying gifts for them, like this was the last time that he was getting things for him. He had to purchase two new bags. He was to come back after a week to office, he went straight to his home from the venue and I had one week to tell the entire office about his “love” for his wife and kids.


His return got delayed by a week as his mother suffered a paralytic stroke, he was visibly upset but he did not let this affect the work, next week he was again on leave. Office was unexpectedly kind towards him, some actually called him up and were pleasantly surprised when he answered their calls and was not abrupt or rude.

Upon his return, he looked preoccupied and was in hurry to find a place for him, that week he concentrated only on shifting to a new place, he managed a cook and a full time servant too… later he told me that his parents were to shift here and stay in this town… on his own, he continued that his wife was busy…Getting more work, she got new projects and she was not able to handle illness and work. He narrated in detail about how last fortnight when there was hospitalization, she could not complete the assignments and she almost lost the opportunity of life time. But eventually together they managed.

He talked about their marriage and talked endlessly about their relationship. That week , I was labeled as “best friend” of the boss… and people wanted to know more about his family , life, and his affair…. with his own wife. Some were jealous and envied him, some compared him with themselves and some decided to change their relationships with their spouses! In fact lunch time now was official “spouse- praise time” irrespective of gender.
Branch continued to march ahead with new business, sales, profits and zonal office seemed happy with this progress.

Finally, his parents arrived in the city; I also asked him if I could be of some help. He was sure that he did not want anyone to miss office and be with him for shifting- unpacking. He shared with me that, cook will take care of lunch and helpers will take care of unpacking… was I supposed to share this information with staff, puzzled me…? He did not mention of his wife and son coming with his parents in his talks.

It was now almost a month and every thing appeared to be settled. He never invited anyone to his place nor did he encourage if anyone mentioned. He would give excuse of visit to doctors, physiotherapists and so on…Some people from staff wanted to check on information that they had got for him and were relaxed when the information matched. They even checked with me, if I had that privilege!

Later, that month he was to attend a meeting aboard, he was to be out of town for 8 days… he looked tense, reason being who will be with his parents…his wife could not come as some evaluation team was to come exactly during that time… his son had exams and his sister was away on a holiday. First he planned to cancel his trip, but may be his zonal office friends must have guided him against this as this was his chance to get in touch with international branch officers and staff, and he too was likely to get one in future. Ultimately he found one more caretaker for his parents who would be with them at night also.


He left for his 8 days trip, last day while he was leaving the office, I mentioned that, he should not worry about situation here…. “I would go everyday and find out if they need anything” … He said very curtly… “ thanks… but even if you cannot make it… that’s fine… there are now 3 people to look after them… may be he was reading my face… while he said this… so at the end he concluded… “What I mean is you too have responsibilities and commitments … but if can make it once… that would be fine”…I cursed myself for the offer that I had made.

He waited for my expression to change… but I was stunned.


For, first three days after he left, I was wondering whether I should be visiting his place or not, later I decided to visit and took my wife also, she could talk to his mother I thought .


We found the place with some difficulty; he had given me a different lane number and had forgotten to give his residential telephone number! We reached home, the door was open. One old man was being helped by attendant to walk… we introduced ourselves and he let us in. They knew that I might come in…!! This surprised me… House reflected taste… the living room was well decorated. On the bed in living room was his mother… we sat and chatted for a while… we talked about whole lot of things, as if we knew each other for ages, they both were craving for human touch, they were really happy to see us. When we sought the permission to leave, both requested to sit for some more time. His mother asked the attendant to get some refreshment for us….

My wife asked her about, their daughter in law- his wife… and how envious was she about her work and profile.

There was a long pause, than she said… may be he has not shared this with you, He is like that only…“Last year he got divorced…she said in one go... and continued without waiting for any resposne...he is very attached to his son, but the custody of son is with her…we do not know the reason of their divorce… because she is a good girl, she never wanted us to leave that house, and he never wanted us to stay with her, specially after divorce. She is not even working... I knew her from her childhood… in fact we shifted to her house after she lost her parents, as house was in very good locality. We sold our house and moved in there. This is the reason after divorce we had to shift here… we are torn between two. We not only miss our grand son but also our daughter-in-law… One reason for him to take transfer to this place is divorce…

Reason of divorce is still unknown to us, but I know my son is eccentric… My daughter tried to intervene and now he has stopped communicating with her too… otherwise she could have come and stayed with us… there were tears in her eyes… we tried to lighten the situation helplessly, not knowing how to deal with this information.
When we were to leave, she pleaded… do not let him know that I have talked all this to you, he does not like this… he will suspect you of talking about his personal life to all… I am sorry I should not have said all this… but I miss my house, my daughter in law, I miss human touch, your wife reminded me of her… I got very emotional… think this as request from a mother to a son…

We comforted her and promised her that this visit itself would be a secret.

I was numb, my wife was shocked, we walked quietly back home. I decided against the temptation of giving this information to people in the office, they would have loved this story! I was feeling sorry for the old parents and did not want to hurt their feelings. It took lot of my energy to go to office next day and not to talk about this “gossip”.


He was back to office on scheduled date; I acted to be very serious and apologized for not being able to go to his place as I had guests which kept me tied to my schedules. He seemed very happy… rather relived…


He said, Oh, don’t worry about such small matters… My wife and son, both were here…she managed to get some time off from her project, my parents had gala time….in any case they miss her more than me… and you know about my shopping impulse… they all liked there gifts… they were thrilled… they left by the morning flight… I am glad that they could make and were here… they liked this house also very much. In fact my wife will join us here as soon as the project she is involved with gets over…I must find out where are they now and he took his mobile out to call, he continued…but I had stopped listening to him blabber a long ago….I knew the reason for their divorce…

-: Award:-

The stadium was bursting with people, Lights, Camera, and Action… all eyes were now on the presenter, to declare the “Life Time Achievement Award.”…. presenter knew for sure that the center of attraction would soon change… from limelight, the presenter would slip back into backstage and may be forgotten…. what people were to remember was acceptance speech that the award winner will deliver. Yet, like a true professional, presenter tried to bring in suspense, element of surprise, curiosity and tried to be bamboozling audience…

But how could I not know it ….yes it was Me, who was to be the recipient of the life time achievement award, the youngest ever! I had given my consent, I had accepted the award, I needed to prepare myself for the “award” and speech, and I was the one who was craving for the same…. I needed it… I desired that for my ego, for completing my achievement tasks …My work was such, my contribution….

I was in my own thoughts… when the thunder struck… I am awakened by the deafening applaud and thousand of eyes, camera focusing me… I can see this all on the big screens put up for the convenience of the large number of people, but I still can ‘not move… I am thrilled to hear my name…. I could see people near me standing, clapping and the stadium rose for standing ovation…..

It was me alone sitting in the entire auditorium…Was I acting? Was this really me? I slowly started getting up… as I position myself and start the walk towards the stage, applaud, cheer groups, and firecrackers…. filled the stadium…my walk towards stage was as heavy as my heart… mixed emotions, bliss on face, turmoil in heart…. my few actions were robotic… I just followed... I just did what I was asked to do…

I climbed the steps from the center of the stage, and to reach the center where the presenter was standing I turned towards the audience and walked backwards waving at them…. what impelled me to do this was not known to me also, my be my reflex… but that encouraged the crowd to cheer more and more… now whistles and high-pitched screaming of youngsters were difficult to get distinguished from the claps, music…still there was order in that chaos…pleasing “ego” of any recipient…

I kissed the award and thanked one and all…and started moving…presenter immediately took charge of me; he hugged me… and said… “Address’ the audience….His job was done… his microphone was now in my hands… I do not know how long it took for me to stand up from my place to walk unto stage and receive the award and have the mike in my hand… Crowd was still standing and applauding… someone sat… and slowly the excitement phase of the ceremony was over… crowd settled in no time, as if it was a clue for them … may be they were tired too… of clapping, cheering, it was late at night and the last in the category of awards… function would end after I finish… may be a small thank-you note from the organizer… was the only thing left on Agenda.

I took the “Award” in my hand… and stood there… I was silent… my eyes had tears… people could see them on big screen… I wiped them with sleeves of my suit… my voice was breaking… I had to form words, there were no dialogues written for me… I had to say something…. I took out the paper from my pocket …

I started to read…. The paper read… “I am privileged recipient of this award…I dedicate this to all my …” and did not complete the sentence… instead I just threw the paper away… Audience who were preparing to leave… took note of this… everybody settled….I could see that they were puzzled.

There was a pause, audience looked with heavy heart… they sensed something… I could feel their nerve… and I started… again… without paper…

I started;

This is me, my heart speaking to you. I do not need crutches of paper to stand in front of people who love me, adore me in any role, and today let me open my heart to you...applaud started again… people settled again and with their ears for me…

“This is to all those special people who have made me, this towering personality, who have created a special place in their hearts for Me, who eat, drink, dance, and live, for me, worship me… ”… I am actually a Dwarf… listen to me… and than decide do I deserve this? Do I need this? Let me complete… after I stop… I will await your decision and than accept this award…

Respected members of Jury, I am not discourteous to the award, to you all for efforts people have put in.…. I Value this award Utmost and hence this confession…

Yes, I am a Dwarf:-

When I look at the glorious past of Life time achievement award recipients and I look at me, I feel what my contribution is? “Acting”? How does one define Life time achievements…?

Tell me, “How high would you go if you knew you wouldn’t fall”… I do not want to go that high, nor do I want to fall… I want to be firmly seated, rooted deep into your hearts…minds and just need your love… NO AWARDS… This is the time to be honest to self, and show the people who love you, who care for you…who worship you… “Who I am”…

I am a simple man, like you all…. I was born in a family of five and was youngest… by age twelve, I realized that I had “looks” that were different and “voice” that was “deep”… I ignored the world… my world, my parents, my siblings, my friends … I was to become narcissistic by age 16. I was in love with self… I ignored studies and failed….

Can I be the role model? Will you all ask your child to follow me and loose the track, get lost in this sparkle and glamour… I am sure NO ONE would want …

My parents, My family still supported me, they wanted to help me… for a family of educators this was a rude shock, I have the distinction of being first failure in our entire clan, where every one else was in top ten… I continued my journey backwards… I stooped to levels … now I shudder to think… if my children do the same….In school my smile, my face, could no more save me from the pranks that I played… the cute little fellow was now a notorious teenager who no one wanted…but my family supported me…had faith in me…were trying to help me…Did I need help at that point in time?. How true is this saying…”You can not help anyone unless he needs help...”

I was Glamour struck, I was a liar, I failed on promises that I made to myself, and three words that played always a tune to my ears were…Light… Camera… Action…

My Action was to run away from home…. at 20 …never to return there…For months I was noticing the ads my parents gave in news papers requesting me to come back. For months I changed address, rooms, shelter to avoid them, to avoid police search…Money was no concern for me… I had stolen enough to last me 6-8 months.

Can I be the role model? Will you all ask your child to follow me and loose the track, get lost in this sparkle and glamour… I am sure NO ONE would want …

I was 24, and was staying with friends and extras… in this line, when I got my first break… I was “HERO” overnight… I looked for my parents at my first award ceremony… that table…corner remained empty… no one occupied that space ever at any function for me… Even today…for past 30 years I have missed them… I now know what they must have felt when I did not respond to their requests…ads... pleadings to return.

Once in the lime light, I learned the tricks faster… In this field there is direct correlation between success and tantrums one throws… I was reaching there faster than my contemporaries… The famous “affair” that rocked my life couple of years ago… was certainly a stunt… the magazine was loosing its grip over market, I was not doing so well… for the first time I faced a ‘flop”…I was out of circulation I mean print… The brilliant idea from a reporter… changed all the equations… Magazine got its life line; I was in print….Money for all…

I managed more wealth than may be a hit….but little did I know that my kids were ashamed of me… their friends in school talked about my affair and photographs in detail... and they hated me, school, press, media for all that….They stopped going to school … just to prove to them my integrity I stooped further… another scoop followed with another magazine, proving that earlier reports were fake and how they were forged and so on…Both these helped everyone… People love to read… But it took me years to be able to prove that I am a father… a father first… and than an actor….the cold looks in their eyes… still haunts me.

Can I be the role model? Will you all ask your child to follow me and loose the track, get lost in this sparkle and glamour… I am sure NO ONE would want …

Few days ago, I was returning from my international shoot, due to some very personal reasons I could not travel with the unit and had to leave the unit one day ahead of scheduled departure.

My flight was from Los-Angeles, it was Air-India flight, my booking, like usual was in first class. I boarded the flight… like every time – Last minute…this special privilege is available with this air line only… My seat number was 2A… Airhostess greeted me; I could see her eyes going round in disbelief that she was actually hosting- serving me! She escorted me to my sit… I checked with my goggles on… almost everyone had noticed my presence…

I settled down and looked at my co passenger… weirdly in first class also you have a person who could be so close to you that he can not be ignored. one look at the traveler and I knew… he was not the first class types….I was uncomfortable… but could not say so… this man could be from media… any comment from my side would create ripples in industry…and I did not want to loose … “Money involved.”!!

That man completely ignored me; at least this is what I felt…. I was hurt… my ego was hurt… I kept staring at him, I wanted him to acknowledge my presence… normally… it’s the other way round… I get so much of attention that I feel suffocated at times… though I love it… My goggles help me look at people without them, noticing what I am doing… I removed my goggles… I was desperate to get attention from this stranger, and now I looked at him, rather started starring. He was reading, reading a book…. my stare was so deep and strong… that he could feel my eyes piercing him, he gently closed his book , adjusted himself a bit in his sit and ……

Closed his eyes….

I was shocked, I found him rude, insulting and I was fuming at myself for wanting attention from this man…. I was not sure of what to do next… I was not even sure what I would have done had he acknowledged my presence in first instance may be I too would have closed my eyes and pretended to sleep, like him.

Amidst these thoughts, I heard him say something to me….His hands were folded on his chest, and his deep voice, (I was envious of strength in his voice) greeted me… my ego was satisfied… and he started talking to me…now I found him equally handsome…a man you would not like to take your eyes off…

“I can see the dilemma in your mind, he was talking to me, and you want your personal space, at your own terms and conditions. Your were the last passenger to enter the craft delaying the departure by 30 min, it was you, who wanted to avoid, people, their contacts, may be some handshakes and few autographs…and here you are craving for the same when you got none!”

I was now afraid of him… he could read my mind…. I smiled and said we get used to glitter and fake smiles, at times it’s difficult to be self. I realized that I was astonishingly honest with him… transparent…

Without any inhibition or in awe of me, he continued… I want you to look at impact that you have or can have on young minds… and he than critiqued my films, themes and its impact, the way he narrated each of my role I was stunned… he was not criticizing me, or my roles or my acting… he was looking as its from a fathers perspective, from a nation’s perspective that had stakes of so many young minds…and from sociological impact… Mafia, Politics, Money, people aspiring to take Light- Camera- Action instead of, Imagine- Inspire- Invent…

What he meant was, relating to changing face of society, Role Models, that had changed and young minds were looking at me as a Role Model, and my acting depicted a different World. I was never questioned like this by anyone ever in last couple of years….Nothing speaks like success and people were more interested in my personal life, and for me it was more in terms of awards and donations that were made for some publicity.

He was aware that I am one of the nominees for life time achievement award and he also brought to my notice that internet and mobile users who would vote were youngsters, and people did not know much about others and their work. Apart from youngsters no one else really bothered about this award. Before my questioning eye could blurt the question out, he said… Are you worried about Space Programs? Or National Defense or Low achievement level in Government schools, or …. His arguments were sinking in me, for the first time some one talked to me with an authoritarian voice…and I listened intently. I also told him about my first impression of him, he said

“You did not know me- but I was supposed to know you” When I IGNORED this simple fact, tables turned… You wanted “me” to know you, acknowledge your presence. It’s you, who wanted to know me… I still know about you as much I knew before…” Unfortunately in the field that you work, you get more of everything, money, name, fame, negative publicity and what not… people in other walks of life spend their lives…To achieve what they call as “excellence” in any field. In any field it’s their hard work, unlike in yours, where there is so much of paraphernalia, from play-back- to stunt, from make-up to ….In other walks of life people do “their” roles to get “their” awards….”I would feel “dwarfed” if I was to get this award” he said laughingly.

I laughed with him… I took his phone number, address and other necessary details, invited him for this function, though I was not even aware that I would be the choice, by jury…

For this man on this Journey, and for the reasons I gave earlier…I am not very sure, if I deserve this “Award’ I said…

I request Jury, to rethink….. I keep this award here…. if Jury insists… I will bow to the decision by the honorable team…

“Your decision, I will honour sir… “

I stopped.

The audience, The Jury, The media, The Giants of the city, who’s who of the industry… took some time to understand that I had stopped…. the pause, the silence was unnerving for me… I had placed the “Award” on podium, meant for presenter… I stood in front of all with my head bowed down to them… thanking them for listening….

Some one got up again, some one started clapping, some one started flashing…. and the stadium was again filled with thunderous applaud, cheers, and I am sure most eyes were moist, if they had no tears…

I started moving from the center of the stage towards steps that would take me back to my seat, I had reached halfway… and the Jury took charge from the podium, he was not prepared for this part, Presenter was also fumbling for words… they just could request me to wait… come back…

Jury said,

“This year’s life time achievement award still goes to….. And rest of the stadium by blinded by the flash lights….walk from the stage; back to my seat was reminding me of my entry on the stage….

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

My secretary, next morning was beaming with joy, he almost hugged me… Sir, it worked…. all news papers, channels, radio stations had this story, phones were ringing constantly, my Blog writers were busy responding to the queries on my Blog…. my critics were shut forever, including those, who claimed that I crave for awards… and Jury was under my kitty…

I knew the headlines for next day morning; no other national event could take that space… I knew the magazine would run stories of this for months… I knew that they would try and locate all the passengers on that flight and ask them about me, their experience of traveling with me, I was sure that air-hostess would be giving more juicy stories than actual juice that she served …there would be frantic search for the person seated next to me… more trips for journalists, more copies in print, more money…. the “Award-Cycle” would go on and on…

Everything was in Place…The way I had imagined and planned, there would be no criticism for me for at least half a decade now, no one would get to know the real story… in any case even if it ever came out…. people have very short memory.

Who else could get the “Life Time Achievement Award”? Now I needed to work on a plan that would take care of my family.