-: Award:-

The stadium was bursting with people, Lights, Camera, and Action… all eyes were now on the presenter, to declare the “Life Time Achievement Award.”…. presenter knew for sure that the center of attraction would soon change… from limelight, the presenter would slip back into backstage and may be forgotten…. what people were to remember was acceptance speech that the award winner will deliver. Yet, like a true professional, presenter tried to bring in suspense, element of surprise, curiosity and tried to be bamboozling audience…

But how could I not know it ….yes it was Me, who was to be the recipient of the life time achievement award, the youngest ever! I had given my consent, I had accepted the award, I needed to prepare myself for the “award” and speech, and I was the one who was craving for the same…. I needed it… I desired that for my ego, for completing my achievement tasks …My work was such, my contribution….

I was in my own thoughts… when the thunder struck… I am awakened by the deafening applaud and thousand of eyes, camera focusing me… I can see this all on the big screens put up for the convenience of the large number of people, but I still can ‘not move… I am thrilled to hear my name…. I could see people near me standing, clapping and the stadium rose for standing ovation…..

It was me alone sitting in the entire auditorium…Was I acting? Was this really me? I slowly started getting up… as I position myself and start the walk towards the stage, applaud, cheer groups, and firecrackers…. filled the stadium…my walk towards stage was as heavy as my heart… mixed emotions, bliss on face, turmoil in heart…. my few actions were robotic… I just followed... I just did what I was asked to do…

I climbed the steps from the center of the stage, and to reach the center where the presenter was standing I turned towards the audience and walked backwards waving at them…. what impelled me to do this was not known to me also, my be my reflex… but that encouraged the crowd to cheer more and more… now whistles and high-pitched screaming of youngsters were difficult to get distinguished from the claps, music…still there was order in that chaos…pleasing “ego” of any recipient…

I kissed the award and thanked one and all…and started moving…presenter immediately took charge of me; he hugged me… and said… “Address’ the audience….His job was done… his microphone was now in my hands… I do not know how long it took for me to stand up from my place to walk unto stage and receive the award and have the mike in my hand… Crowd was still standing and applauding… someone sat… and slowly the excitement phase of the ceremony was over… crowd settled in no time, as if it was a clue for them … may be they were tired too… of clapping, cheering, it was late at night and the last in the category of awards… function would end after I finish… may be a small thank-you note from the organizer… was the only thing left on Agenda.

I took the “Award” in my hand… and stood there… I was silent… my eyes had tears… people could see them on big screen… I wiped them with sleeves of my suit… my voice was breaking… I had to form words, there were no dialogues written for me… I had to say something…. I took out the paper from my pocket …

I started to read…. The paper read… “I am privileged recipient of this award…I dedicate this to all my …” and did not complete the sentence… instead I just threw the paper away… Audience who were preparing to leave… took note of this… everybody settled….I could see that they were puzzled.

There was a pause, audience looked with heavy heart… they sensed something… I could feel their nerve… and I started… again… without paper…

I started;

This is me, my heart speaking to you. I do not need crutches of paper to stand in front of people who love me, adore me in any role, and today let me open my heart to you...applaud started again… people settled again and with their ears for me…

“This is to all those special people who have made me, this towering personality, who have created a special place in their hearts for Me, who eat, drink, dance, and live, for me, worship me… ”… I am actually a Dwarf… listen to me… and than decide do I deserve this? Do I need this? Let me complete… after I stop… I will await your decision and than accept this award…

Respected members of Jury, I am not discourteous to the award, to you all for efforts people have put in.…. I Value this award Utmost and hence this confession…

Yes, I am a Dwarf:-

When I look at the glorious past of Life time achievement award recipients and I look at me, I feel what my contribution is? “Acting”? How does one define Life time achievements…?

Tell me, “How high would you go if you knew you wouldn’t fall”… I do not want to go that high, nor do I want to fall… I want to be firmly seated, rooted deep into your hearts…minds and just need your love… NO AWARDS… This is the time to be honest to self, and show the people who love you, who care for you…who worship you… “Who I am”…

I am a simple man, like you all…. I was born in a family of five and was youngest… by age twelve, I realized that I had “looks” that were different and “voice” that was “deep”… I ignored the world… my world, my parents, my siblings, my friends … I was to become narcissistic by age 16. I was in love with self… I ignored studies and failed….

Can I be the role model? Will you all ask your child to follow me and loose the track, get lost in this sparkle and glamour… I am sure NO ONE would want …

My parents, My family still supported me, they wanted to help me… for a family of educators this was a rude shock, I have the distinction of being first failure in our entire clan, where every one else was in top ten… I continued my journey backwards… I stooped to levels … now I shudder to think… if my children do the same….In school my smile, my face, could no more save me from the pranks that I played… the cute little fellow was now a notorious teenager who no one wanted…but my family supported me…had faith in me…were trying to help me…Did I need help at that point in time?. How true is this saying…”You can not help anyone unless he needs help...”

I was Glamour struck, I was a liar, I failed on promises that I made to myself, and three words that played always a tune to my ears were…Light… Camera… Action…

My Action was to run away from home…. at 20 …never to return there…For months I was noticing the ads my parents gave in news papers requesting me to come back. For months I changed address, rooms, shelter to avoid them, to avoid police search…Money was no concern for me… I had stolen enough to last me 6-8 months.

Can I be the role model? Will you all ask your child to follow me and loose the track, get lost in this sparkle and glamour… I am sure NO ONE would want …

I was 24, and was staying with friends and extras… in this line, when I got my first break… I was “HERO” overnight… I looked for my parents at my first award ceremony… that table…corner remained empty… no one occupied that space ever at any function for me… Even today…for past 30 years I have missed them… I now know what they must have felt when I did not respond to their requests…ads... pleadings to return.

Once in the lime light, I learned the tricks faster… In this field there is direct correlation between success and tantrums one throws… I was reaching there faster than my contemporaries… The famous “affair” that rocked my life couple of years ago… was certainly a stunt… the magazine was loosing its grip over market, I was not doing so well… for the first time I faced a ‘flop”…I was out of circulation I mean print… The brilliant idea from a reporter… changed all the equations… Magazine got its life line; I was in print….Money for all…

I managed more wealth than may be a hit….but little did I know that my kids were ashamed of me… their friends in school talked about my affair and photographs in detail... and they hated me, school, press, media for all that….They stopped going to school … just to prove to them my integrity I stooped further… another scoop followed with another magazine, proving that earlier reports were fake and how they were forged and so on…Both these helped everyone… People love to read… But it took me years to be able to prove that I am a father… a father first… and than an actor….the cold looks in their eyes… still haunts me.

Can I be the role model? Will you all ask your child to follow me and loose the track, get lost in this sparkle and glamour… I am sure NO ONE would want …

Few days ago, I was returning from my international shoot, due to some very personal reasons I could not travel with the unit and had to leave the unit one day ahead of scheduled departure.

My flight was from Los-Angeles, it was Air-India flight, my booking, like usual was in first class. I boarded the flight… like every time – Last minute…this special privilege is available with this air line only… My seat number was 2A… Airhostess greeted me; I could see her eyes going round in disbelief that she was actually hosting- serving me! She escorted me to my sit… I checked with my goggles on… almost everyone had noticed my presence…

I settled down and looked at my co passenger… weirdly in first class also you have a person who could be so close to you that he can not be ignored. one look at the traveler and I knew… he was not the first class types….I was uncomfortable… but could not say so… this man could be from media… any comment from my side would create ripples in industry…and I did not want to loose … “Money involved.”!!

That man completely ignored me; at least this is what I felt…. I was hurt… my ego was hurt… I kept staring at him, I wanted him to acknowledge my presence… normally… it’s the other way round… I get so much of attention that I feel suffocated at times… though I love it… My goggles help me look at people without them, noticing what I am doing… I removed my goggles… I was desperate to get attention from this stranger, and now I looked at him, rather started starring. He was reading, reading a book…. my stare was so deep and strong… that he could feel my eyes piercing him, he gently closed his book , adjusted himself a bit in his sit and ……

Closed his eyes….

I was shocked, I found him rude, insulting and I was fuming at myself for wanting attention from this man…. I was not sure of what to do next… I was not even sure what I would have done had he acknowledged my presence in first instance may be I too would have closed my eyes and pretended to sleep, like him.

Amidst these thoughts, I heard him say something to me….His hands were folded on his chest, and his deep voice, (I was envious of strength in his voice) greeted me… my ego was satisfied… and he started talking to me…now I found him equally handsome…a man you would not like to take your eyes off…

“I can see the dilemma in your mind, he was talking to me, and you want your personal space, at your own terms and conditions. Your were the last passenger to enter the craft delaying the departure by 30 min, it was you, who wanted to avoid, people, their contacts, may be some handshakes and few autographs…and here you are craving for the same when you got none!”

I was now afraid of him… he could read my mind…. I smiled and said we get used to glitter and fake smiles, at times it’s difficult to be self. I realized that I was astonishingly honest with him… transparent…

Without any inhibition or in awe of me, he continued… I want you to look at impact that you have or can have on young minds… and he than critiqued my films, themes and its impact, the way he narrated each of my role I was stunned… he was not criticizing me, or my roles or my acting… he was looking as its from a fathers perspective, from a nation’s perspective that had stakes of so many young minds…and from sociological impact… Mafia, Politics, Money, people aspiring to take Light- Camera- Action instead of, Imagine- Inspire- Invent…

What he meant was, relating to changing face of society, Role Models, that had changed and young minds were looking at me as a Role Model, and my acting depicted a different World. I was never questioned like this by anyone ever in last couple of years….Nothing speaks like success and people were more interested in my personal life, and for me it was more in terms of awards and donations that were made for some publicity.

He was aware that I am one of the nominees for life time achievement award and he also brought to my notice that internet and mobile users who would vote were youngsters, and people did not know much about others and their work. Apart from youngsters no one else really bothered about this award. Before my questioning eye could blurt the question out, he said… Are you worried about Space Programs? Or National Defense or Low achievement level in Government schools, or …. His arguments were sinking in me, for the first time some one talked to me with an authoritarian voice…and I listened intently. I also told him about my first impression of him, he said

“You did not know me- but I was supposed to know you” When I IGNORED this simple fact, tables turned… You wanted “me” to know you, acknowledge your presence. It’s you, who wanted to know me… I still know about you as much I knew before…” Unfortunately in the field that you work, you get more of everything, money, name, fame, negative publicity and what not… people in other walks of life spend their lives…To achieve what they call as “excellence” in any field. In any field it’s their hard work, unlike in yours, where there is so much of paraphernalia, from play-back- to stunt, from make-up to ….In other walks of life people do “their” roles to get “their” awards….”I would feel “dwarfed” if I was to get this award” he said laughingly.

I laughed with him… I took his phone number, address and other necessary details, invited him for this function, though I was not even aware that I would be the choice, by jury…

For this man on this Journey, and for the reasons I gave earlier…I am not very sure, if I deserve this “Award’ I said…

I request Jury, to rethink….. I keep this award here…. if Jury insists… I will bow to the decision by the honorable team…

“Your decision, I will honour sir… “

I stopped.

The audience, The Jury, The media, The Giants of the city, who’s who of the industry… took some time to understand that I had stopped…. the pause, the silence was unnerving for me… I had placed the “Award” on podium, meant for presenter… I stood in front of all with my head bowed down to them… thanking them for listening….

Some one got up again, some one started clapping, some one started flashing…. and the stadium was again filled with thunderous applaud, cheers, and I am sure most eyes were moist, if they had no tears…

I started moving from the center of the stage towards steps that would take me back to my seat, I had reached halfway… and the Jury took charge from the podium, he was not prepared for this part, Presenter was also fumbling for words… they just could request me to wait… come back…

Jury said,

“This year’s life time achievement award still goes to….. And rest of the stadium by blinded by the flash lights….walk from the stage; back to my seat was reminding me of my entry on the stage….

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My secretary, next morning was beaming with joy, he almost hugged me… Sir, it worked…. all news papers, channels, radio stations had this story, phones were ringing constantly, my Blog writers were busy responding to the queries on my Blog…. my critics were shut forever, including those, who claimed that I crave for awards… and Jury was under my kitty…

I knew the headlines for next day morning; no other national event could take that space… I knew the magazine would run stories of this for months… I knew that they would try and locate all the passengers on that flight and ask them about me, their experience of traveling with me, I was sure that air-hostess would be giving more juicy stories than actual juice that she served …there would be frantic search for the person seated next to me… more trips for journalists, more copies in print, more money…. the “Award-Cycle” would go on and on…

Everything was in Place…The way I had imagined and planned, there would be no criticism for me for at least half a decade now, no one would get to know the real story… in any case even if it ever came out…. people have very short memory.

Who else could get the “Life Time Achievement Award”? Now I needed to work on a plan that would take care of my family.